Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?