Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste