Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito