Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
🤣🤣🤣
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay