Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.