Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

Dear Lord..

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I thought this was funny lol

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…