Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction