Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir