FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
*seductively eats two tums*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*