FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
me
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.