@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

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@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@calluptome

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

@RexChapman

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

@Darlainky

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

@kimlockhartga

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

@envydatropic

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.