@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

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@rage_chaos

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

@EviGarth

‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.

@jonnysun

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

@CatsVsHumanity

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.