FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar


There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.


We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.


Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…


A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”


Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.


Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?


If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.