FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.