Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Happy birthday to all the women
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Money is the root of all wealth
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*