Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
lol
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Selfie
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant