Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Okay this one takes it home

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes