Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Cha-ching is my safe word

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.