Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here