Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
first you must answer his riddles
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent