Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The booster protects against what, now?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”