Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You Might Also Like
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.