Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
You Might Also Like
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
My wife gives the best headache.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”