Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
S M O L
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.