Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats