Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store