Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

new year update: losing everything but weight

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.