friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.