Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

i made a craigslist ad !

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up