Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“what that mouth do?” complain
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush