Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

All right then, keep your secrets

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

The most accurate map ever devised.