As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
scares
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.