@daemonic3

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

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@CantWaitToNap

I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*

@Darlainky

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

@geowizzacist

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

@infinityonhi

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

@thesulk

My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.

@lindarchilders

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good