Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…