Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

his wife is probably gonna see that

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

saving face 👀

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast