friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
