My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
HR said no more nunchucks.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope