friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.


Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!


I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.


Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?


[we put our clothes back on]


I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.


Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon


Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.


me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb