friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.


I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. It just hasn’t happened yet.


Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*


You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.


WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.


accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening