*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
It’s an epidemic…
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
🍛
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser