*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!