Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.