Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.