Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

God has left this place

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.