Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.