Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.