Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

what’s more important?

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

choose your fighter

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam