Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I know karate and tons of other words.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs