Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.