Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party