Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

💁🏻‍♂️

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

I think this cat is broken

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here