Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember