Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me when I’m ovulating
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.