Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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I laughed at this way too hard.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Family Celebrity
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer