Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
How do I get a job writing these texts
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.