Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.