Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My work here is done
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.