friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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I hope this email punches you square in the face
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.