friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.