Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.