Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
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crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.