Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider