Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

motivation

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

the greatest twitter interaction

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?