Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Split the bill

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.