friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*