Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
good morning
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.