Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
tag yourself
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.