Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.