Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

When you have to use a public restroom.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

I did not eat the cake…

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.