Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”