Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Never forget.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common