Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.