Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Ugh but profoundly
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.