Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Couple goals

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves